Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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