I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
