Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
