i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
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