I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize