did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
