God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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