I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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