so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I looked at my own cervix.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
