I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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