No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
