im having a threesome with these popsicles
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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