also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
