I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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