I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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