Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
