the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
