How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
