i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
