A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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