So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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