remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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