I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
