I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
