She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
