At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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