ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize