dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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