There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
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