kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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