This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
