I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the day after is always just damage control
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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