What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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