Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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