I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
