I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
