I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
