He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
