Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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