Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
