I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
