I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
