it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
