That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
