I hate your face
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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