I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
