yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
