i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
