dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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