the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
