my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
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