I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
