that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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