Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
