I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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