My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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