The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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