The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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