if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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