Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
