he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
