Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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